London Whaling

Londoners where caught completely off guard. I think a serious review of security protocols is required. I know, it’s not politically correct to call for whaling, but how could the British immigration authorities and the Metropolitan police let a whale swim up all the way to the House of Commons? Such a serious breach of security must not go unpunished.

I was first alerted how potentially hazardous such erroneous wild life could be when I read that this was a “Pilot Whale”. These days you have to be most cautious with regards to pilots. They should immediately have declared a no-swim zone around the Houses of Parliament.

You think the British would have known better from their history lessons, but I suppose these days the education system is under great strain from paedophiles inadvertently having been placed on the wrong list and from being torn apart in the dispute who should get more power over schools under the guise of parental choice. So let me remind you: The Greeks finally conquered Troy after a ten-year siege by using a cunning ploy – they hid their fighters inside a big wooden horse which they left behind after retreating.

Considering that the arrival of this whale coincided with a new message from Usama bin London, delivered courtesy of al-Jazeera after they just narrowly escaped being blown to smithereens by George Bush the Lesser had he not been stopped by Tony Bliar of Sedgefield, who is to say that the Whale swimming up the Thames is not a variation on the same theme, a Trojan Whale. Whales are capable of carrying human cargo; Yunus (Jonah) travelled in a whale, although he did not quite like the experience. So this pilot whale could hide large numbers of suicide bombers in his belly to do what Guy Fawkes failed to manage: blow up the houses of parliament.

Reassuringly we were later told by the experts that the 20 foot submarine was not a pilot whale but a Northern bottle-nosed whale, which immediately brings up associations of message in a bottle. This whale might not be carrying human cargo after all, but bottles filled with high-grade explosives. A suicide whale in fact; no wonder he appeared distressed.

I was reassured when I learned that the authorities were considering having to cull the beast if they could not persuade it to turn around. After all, we shoot innocent Brazilians on the underground by way of precaution, so it would be inexcusable to let a huge whale on the loose on the London waterways. The whale already passed Big Ben and might be on his way to the Eiffel Tower next if he read the Afghan terror manual our security services gave back to Abu Hamza in order to re-confiscate it for the trial. It also circled near Vauxhall Bridge, headquarters of British spying agency MI6, which brings me to yet another option: The whale might have been sent on a reconnaissance mission to study intended targets for a later attack by some other means. Was there a hidden camera in one of his squinting eyes? We are told that a second whale had already been sighted near Southend-on-Sea, West of London.

Then again, maybe it’s just as well that ordinary Londoners do not share their politicians’ vision of imminent doom. They came out to watch the big animal and seemed to have a whale of a time.